Meditation

by Pam Wilson

My dear friend told me she was spending a few days at a retreat in California to meditate and I was glad for her. While she was gone I thought of her often, and in my quiet moments I was there with her. I imagined the light and leaves reflecting on the water, the fresh air in the cool shade of the trees, and the serenity of her surroundings.

Before she went away, I did not have many quiet moments; none that I can remember, for I don't know how long. Her gift in sharing her experience with me is one I will appreciate as long as our friendship lasts, perhaps beyond this lifetime.

She came home, and I was glad we could meet in person again. There is nothing quite like being in the company of one another, even if we meet for an hour, and could call one another every day.

As usual, she was full of surprises, as we all are when given a chance to tell our stories. She described her true surroundings at the retreat, a desert atmosphere in the heat. I'm not sure that she mentioned snakes and sagebrush but I dressed the scene with them.

My own retreat stayed as it had been for me. I had been hoping to teach myself to find a meditative state of mind where I can go when all the faith I can muster doesn't fill the shell of a mustard seed.

Now I have a quiet moment. I am not listening for a sound that means I am needed. I am listening to my own breath, inhaling cool sweet air that nourishes me from my toes to my fingertips, exhaling everything else that weighs me down when life gets noisy.

Well, that breath didn't quite work.

I have closed my eyes, and I am swimming through the thoughts that are keeping me from my quiet moment. I'm swimming from the deep end, but I'm pushing through the distractions with every stroke. The swimming metaphor is not working well because I don't put my face in the water in real life.

Now, I'm up on a float, lounging with no consciousness of my body being with me, with a starry moonlit sky above. I wonder if I can coast along for a while, above my thoughts, if I spend all of my awareness on the night sky.

When I look up at the moon, I believe that the same moonlight that comforts and calms me is shining down upon my children. I hope my daughter and my son are each finding a quiet moment, floating above their thoughts and plans, worries and concerns, secrets and surprises, too.

I am a bit distracted, and wonder what grade I have earned on this exercise that leaves me feeling like an A+, but must have had so many points shaved off for bringing my friend and my children into it, not to mention the desert, snakes, and swimming with my face in meditative water.

And I did not mention my father in law, a university professor who quite unexpectedly shared with me a story about dogs not being graded for their barks, when my son was diagnosed with Down syndrome.

Biography Welcome to the SoulSupporter.com website. I am glad you are here. You may feel the weight of the world on your shoulders today, or you may just want to be among others who understand the joy, pride, absurdity and delight we do still know, without having to explain it to those who believe those emotional states must be a contradiction in families like ours. It seems as though all of my mothering life has gone on while I was a bit off balance, caught up in the small details of the day when I meant for it to be a well planned and slightly controlled journey toward reasonable and specific goals.   "What I planned on the hottest day was sitting on a comfy lounge drinking iced tea; what I enjoyed most must have been petting a black cat in the shade" The self image I had grown from being a university student, holding substantial jobs, seeking justice and equity, and socializing with my peers, seemed to fall away when I first held my daughter and felt her breath on my skin. The world seemed to see me as a different person, like I was born into a second and unequal new life, but I did not have much time to think about that, because I was fascinated by the number of questions and concerns I had that were not among the priorities I stacked up before she was born. I scarcely knew who I was, and wanted to know everything about who my daughter might be, and how to do everything 'just right' so she would reach her "highest potential." But I was very uncertain how to bathe her, and her adventures with fingernails and my clipping them were beyond my abilities to tolerate or comprehend. My childbirth education instructor saved my life when I asked her whether my daughter was 'colicky' and she told me, "No, not if she ever smiles." Being deliriously in love with my baby and totally fascinated by every expression, sound and movement she made helped get me through the hardest times. My education and work experience, not so much. When I was pregnant with my second child, I thought I'd learned enough to avoid the uncertainties and worries I felt when his sister was a newborn. But instead of a 'natural' birth, he had to be delivered via C-section. And he came with an extra chromosome. He developed jaundice, so he could not 'room in' with me. I dragged myself down to the nursery because I needed to touch and hold him, and when I picked him up found he was attached by wires to a heart monitor. It has only gone downhill, and then up, and then down again, and up, from there. No matter where you are right now, I'm glad you have found SoulSupporter.com, and I hope you will share your story with us, here. Special Needs Children Help and Information http://www.bellaonline.com/site/specialneedschildren The Special Needs Children website at BellaOnline.com offers information, resources and support for families raising children with special needs, developmental disabilities or delays, chronic health conditions and physical challenges. Articles also reflect the interests and concerns of advocates, teachers and other education professionals, medical support staff, human services and emergency response personnel, design professionals, community activists, friends, neighbors and extended family. Pam Wilson's articles have appeared in Northwest Baby and Child, Mothering Magazine, and the Northwest Ethnic News. She is a graduate of the University of California, Berkeley.